many waters

waffling

2012-02-10T18:15:00.001-07:00

before i even say anything i must say that there are no babies planned in our immediate future. we have no money and i'm committed to finishing school by spring 2013.

yet, this week i've been waffling. not between having a baby now or later, but if we should even have another one or not. one day i see a beautiful swollen belly and my heart thrills to the possibility of another life growing inside of me, the next day i'm absolutely terrified and have a mini panic attacked at the thought of another child. all you mom's out there of more than two. YOU ARE AMAZING. seriously. wow.

last week when little sprite was sick i honestly had many moments where i was completely satisfied with one. that's as shocking to me as it is to you! we go over to visit families with more than one child and i'm completely overwhelmed. i admire moms of more than one so much. my friend sarah is an amazing mother. she is so patient and strong. i tried to see myself as her and all i see is a messy house, two screaming kids with food all over their faces, supper unprepared, and me laying on the couch so exhausted that i can barely move.

it's these times that i am reminded of how much healing i still have to do. that these moments still stir in my heart painful memories of those first 7 months of post partum depression. but i also know how far i've come and that is encouraging. i truly hope that there will be another child in our future, maybe a few more, but God is still working on some things that need healing first. right now i'm content to heal, even if it's slow.

it's a bit like a sunrise. the night is dark and sometimes it feels like morning will never come. but it does. morning seeps in. healing seeps in. the miracle is in the slow creation of beauty as each stroke sweeps the sky breathing life into the day.

for now i'm breathing deep. embracing the healing, embracing the beauty.

m.

dry skin & hives

2012-02-10T11:51:00.000-07:00

for some reason this year my skin is HATING winter. ack it's horrible! i'm constantly itchy and as soon as i itch i break out in hives, which means more itching...a vicious circle of itchiness!!!!!

waiting impatiently for spring. and dare i say it...humidity.

school has been quite busy. i think i've had a test and at least one, if not two, projects due every week for the last month. but it's going really well. i was accepting into a very exciting program this week. more on that another time.

i've been reminded many times that God is calling me to be steadfast and hopeful.

i think the munchkin is stirring and we are going out to soak in as much sunshine as possible.

m.

for coffee lovers

2012-02-08T11:03:00.003-07:00

oh golly. have you tried kicking horse coffee?? it's really great.

lousy labels

2012-02-04T07:06:00.000-07:00

another episode of this great show.
so sad about that meat.

CBC's Marketplace - Lousy Labels: Health Hype

still can't figure out how to embed things...one day.

post edit: if you are interested in the first installment of Lousy Labels, the link is here along with some other great health links.

m.

sick, sick, sick

2012-02-02T07:16:00.001-07:00

it's been all p.j.'s, blankets, and repeat viewings of eloise at christmastime over here (best movie ever). but i think we are turning a corner. phewf!

little sad face

2012-01-30T16:45:00.002-07:00

poor little sprite is sick, sick, sick. thinking those first year molars are making their way out of her gums.

we are getting lots of cuddles and sickness is proving to turn both travis and i into huge softies.

dark night of the soul

2012-01-26T08:50:00.001-07:00

i feel so dry. i wish i had more to write about. i do, but i'm afraid it's all dark and dreary. and it shouldn't be. we have a roof over our heads, food on the table, a car that is running. my heart is just heavy.

once again the countdown is on. in 6-8 weeks the chips are all thrown into the air again. oh Lord i could use some stability in my life! our life!

please pray.

m.

being one

2012-01-17T18:55:00.000-07:00

being one means discovery!

little sprite's newest love is sitting in pretty much everything she can get into. baskets and the old car seat are her favorite's.

it's hard to believe that she fit in there once. i'm feeling a little nostalgic for those days today. missing the itty bitty. one day, one day. but not today. today we are dealing with a little girl who has discovered whining and stomping her feet....but also giving hugs and kisses, and how to giggle in the perfect way to make her mom and dad swoon.

savoring today.

james 1

2012-01-16T10:41:00.001-07:00

a friend sent us this scripture last week and it's really struck me. i've highlighted some of the words that stood our.

James 1

¹ James, a servant^[a] of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ,
To the twelve tribes in the Dispersion:
Greetings.

Testing of Your Faith

² Count it all joy, my brothers,^[b] when you meet trials of various kinds, ³ for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. ⁴ And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. ⁶ But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. ⁷ For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; ⁸ he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.
⁹ Let the lowly brother boast in his exaltation, ¹⁰ and the rich in his humiliation, because like a flower of the grass^[c] he will pass away. ¹¹ For the sun rises with its scorching heat and withers the grass; its flower falls, and its beauty perishes. So also will the rich man fade away in the midst of his pursuits.
¹² Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. ¹³ Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. ¹⁴ But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. ¹⁵ Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.
¹⁶ Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. ¹⁷ Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.^[d] ¹⁸ Of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures.

Hearing and Doing the Word

¹⁹ Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; ²⁰ for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. ²¹ Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.
²² But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. ²³ For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. ²⁴ For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. ²⁵ But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.
²⁶ If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless. ²⁷ Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

STEADFAST.

sheilagh had this poster hanging in her room when we were in bible college. whenever i think about steadfastness this is the image that comes to mind. that tiny person rooted in that lighthouse while chaos erupts around them.

my roots are in Christ. they are not in a job or a degree or any image of who other's think i should be. i'm rooted in grace, the salvation of my soul, the promise of life everlasting, my small part in illuminating the kingdom of God on earth, to the people around me. i'm called to love others with the love of Christ. i'm called to let go off the things that bind me in this world, so that i can be a vessel of God's love.

where are your roots? i'm not questioning them, but asking this question, thinking about it, writing it down is an amazing way to bring this truth into your life. we so easily forget the promises that God has given us. let's remember and rest in his truth!

happy friday

2012-01-13T11:07:00.000-07:00

hopeful

2012-01-10T09:41:00.001-07:00

my word for twenty-twelve.
hopeful.

twenty-eleven was tough. i saw my lowest lows this year and it was scary. i'm not fully healed from this post-partum war, but i know i can move forward.

so i'm reaching out for hope. this year could be as tough as last year, but i want to be hopeful. i want to live in the truth that God does have a greater plan for us because he does. i may not ever glimpse it on this earth, but i will in eternity. that is my hope.

i am hopeful.

m.

caffeinate me, please!

2012-01-09T10:51:00.002-07:00

i mentioned a couple posts ago that i had cut out caffeine. mainly coffee. i never imagined 7 years ago when i began working at starbucks that i would actually grow to like coffee. i actually held out on drinking coffee for quite a while and i'm not sure when my love affair with coffee began, but it did.

i was reading this book called emotionally free (great book) about mental illness that recommended that when on anti-depressants you should cut out caffeine because it can interact with the meds. so i did...but i neglected to remember how sleepy i am all the time. ALL THE TIME. pretty sure that one cup of coffee in the morning is the only thing that keeps me from sleeping 14 hours a day.

however i have realized that i must take my meds, wait, and then drink coffee or else i get the major jitters.

hello coffee. i've missed you!

m.

snow baby

2012-01-08T19:05:00.006-07:00

lagging

2012-01-05T09:52:00.000-07:00

jet lag hit me hard this trip. both ways. i almost fell asleep this morning driving to school. i've had to break my "no caffeine" rule multiple times because my circadian rythms are all out of whack. lovely.

i don't know about you, but i am feeling so overwhelmed this semester. most likely just because it's winter and winter is tough for me. also because i have't been able to work-out for a while and dang it i miss that adrenaline high!

m.

twenty twelve

2012-01-03T18:37:00.002-07:00

hello :)

tomorrow i jump back into school mode. i am excited and sooo nervous. i know it will be fine, but it's always a bit frightening going to those first classes. i've been having dreams that i missed classes and then of course can't get to them once i realize where i should be. oh dear.

we had the amazing blessing given to us of being able to fly to BC over christmas. we surprised my mom and that was awesome. i don't think i'll ever forget the look on her face. priceless. it was so great to watch little sprite interact with all her aunties, uncles, and grandparents. she's pretty loveable.

2012...i'm nervous about you! these last couple of years of held our lowest lows and highest highs. i'd settle for some middle ground this year...please!

ignore travis' hair - ugh.

christmas eve 2011

love :)

grandpa and little sprite bonding

girlies

little sprite and roxy - BFF's

first time eating veraniki - a good mennonite!

sorry i don't have any pictures from our time with the bartel's. most of them have my nieces and nephews in them and i don't feel comfortable posting pictures of other people's children. but rest assured we had a good time there too.

{merry christmas}

2011-12-23T06:11:00.000-07:00

i'll be back after the holidays. i'm enjoying time with my daughter, staying in my p.j.'s, knitting, and puzzling too much to blog.

m.

done.

2011-12-12T12:15:00.000-07:00

statistic's exam. done. now i'm going to go cry in a corner.

but it's done. hello christmas :)

on a brighter note. little sprite was a little lamb this weekend and it was absolutely adorable. melt your heart adorable.

hello procrastination, nice to meet you.

2011-12-10T10:55:00.001-07:00

i'm afraid i don't have anything eloquent, or witty, or deep to share today. my mind is stuffed full of information about maps, air photos, sampling, theorems...it's a bit too full up there for my liking, which is why i'm blogging instead of studying. i am so close to being able to walk away from this semester. i'm ready for a break, for some time to focus in on my little family. i'm hoping to do some knitting, puzzling, go for walks outside with little sprite, read piles of board books, and in general soak in the season.

we have a tree, the decorations are up, and travis has been baking. a little snow would be nice, but i remember last year i prayed for snow and it stayed around far too long, so this year i'll be patient and wait :)

our house is small so i tried to keep the decorations simple this year. and with a toddler around it feels a bit like the top half of the house is celebrating christmas and the bottom isn't.

what do you think?

...and a christmas video.

rocker

2011-11-29T09:25:00.001-07:00

super procrastinating over here...

two more classes than the semester is over. i'm very, very ready for a break. not ready to study for statistics, which is why i'm posting these great pictures.

now doesn't that just make your day?!

sprite is going through a growth spurt and suddenly all her sweaters have become belly shirts. looks hilarious! i've been squeezing her into them though because she still seems so little to me. but i think i'm going to have to cave a pick up some new ones.

off to go deal hunting...i mean study.

to clear the air

2011-11-24T08:16:00.001-07:00

since it seems that it's baby-making season again. thought you should know that...

i have a lot of things due soon and one of them WILL NOT be baby.

{gungor} ghosts upon the earth

2011-11-19T06:22:00.001-07:00

this album has meant so much to me.

it's very different than beautiful things. i don't know if it's where i'm at spiritually right now, but listen to this album has been the only place i hear that still small voice. reminding me of His promises and of the epic story of God's love for his children, of which i am one.

michael gungor talks about the album in depth here.

listen to it in a quiet space, for me that's in the car, on the way to school.

accessorize!

2011-11-17T13:35:00.001-07:00

i have a girly girl on my hands.

tomboy mandi has a little girl obsessed with wearing necklaces.

did you know EVERYTHING can become a necklace. seriously people check it out.

{my rattle-thingy}

{my birthday garland}

{daddy's favorite bandana}

{mommy's measuring tape}

{daddy's belt}

{the bag for my blocks}

{daddy's other belt}

{mommy's running headband}

meds

2011-11-14T11:15:00.001-07:00

sometimes all i can muster up is silence. the last couple of weeks i've needed silence.

depression is suffocating, isolating, but not because i'm alone or the road is quiet. quite the opposite! there are so many voices competing in my head. there's the commentary about travis' job situation, the one about whether school is really where i'm supposed to be, the other one about being 'at work' instead of 'at home' and it's impact on little sprite, another one reminding me how messy my house is, of course the one reminding me of all the things i need to get done, and one shouting the loudest "WHY AM I JUST GETTING SICKER INSTEAD OF BETTER!" Will i ever be "normal"??

a white room with padded walls sounds refreshing sometimes.

which leads me to where i'm taking this post...

meds.

yuck.

i've been medicated for over half a year now and frankly i still really haven't come to terms with that. recently i switched to a stronger anti-depressant. insert weak, sarcastic fist pump, yay.

how does someone, someone who has faith that God created her in his own image, knit her together in her mother's womb, come to terms with the FACT that in order to function she has to take strong medication that alters her brain chemistry? i'm not sure. do i feel like a failure? all the time.

i'm often asked, in relation to being at school full-time (which honestly is more work than actually working - most weeks i'm in school 3 1/2 days and then spend another 3 doing homework), having a kid and husband, while juggling major postpartum depression, how i do it. well...all honestly all the "stuff" i do is way easier than the depression. i deal with depression by doing all that "stuff". it keeps me sane.

what keeps me up at night is wondering if the medication lifts that depression so that who i am shines through or if it creates a whole new mandi. i'm afraid of losing who i am, who God has created me to be and the longer i take medication the farther i feel like i'm getting away from that person.

even scarier is that on those days that i forget to take my medication or recently as i was transitioning onto this new one, crazy, depressed, postpartum mandi emerges again and i was reminded of how sick i was and continue to be.

it's taken me a long time to write about medication. i've been afraid to share that i take meds because i know that it can be controversial. but i don't want to be afraid of being judged anymore. ask travis or any of my close friends, depression is a living, breathing, entity in my life. it's not as simple as choosing to be happy. i literally cannot choose to be happy, my brain can't do it. left unacknowledged or medicated my depression takes me down scary roads.

my name is mandi. i take medication to help me cope. that's okay.

m.

post edit: a lady named heather armstrong at dooce.com writes a great blog, which started out of her journey through postpartum depression. She write about many other things now, but her posts about depression are so honest about this dark road and all the questions that go along with it. Warning though! She liberally uses swear words and shocking analogies to describe stuff...don't read it if you are uncomfortable with that :)

2011-11-01T10:43:00.002-06:00

i don't even know what to call this post. listless. drowning. done...
life is so hard. i don't want to complain because i am very aware that although our situation isn't great, there are people out there struggling with far more difficult realities...and probably handling them better than i am handling this little mountain.

what i'm finding the most difficult, frustrating, and discouraging is this cycle we seem to be stuck. job. no job. no job for a long time. should we move back to b.c....God are you there? silence. still no job. everything up in the air once again.

i've learn a whole lot about being spontaneous in the past 3 years and a whole lot about faith and trust.

travis and i are bowing our hearts to God, willingly surrendering out future daily, knowing and trusting that He will provide (we've seen it many times!), but God is so silent. i lay in bed every night and pray, "God are you there? Why are you so far away?"

and i'm tired. so exhausted from the constant, i'm not even joking here, day to day, changing of what we think God wants us to do.

God has been so silent for so long that i honestly don't even know what His voice sounds like anymore.

i don't even know what to pray for anymore. as far as praying goes there are no longer words just groans and moans. my body cries out. my soul is bent under the weight of this burden.

oh Lord...

Psalm 42

¹ As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
³ My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One^[d]
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.

⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

⁶ My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
⁷ Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

⁸ By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

⁹ I say to God my Rock,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?”
¹⁰ My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”

¹¹ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

m.

one

2011-10-24T09:55:00.002-06:00

thanks

2011-10-13T18:51:00.000-06:00

*a little friend's foot beside mine

something new

2011-10-12T06:12:00.001-06:00

i randomly discovered this super band a few months ago.

they now make up most of my running playlist. their music is...delicate, intricate, dynamic, creative, refreshing, reverberating...soul capturing.

they just came out with a new album ghosts upon the earth that i'm dying to buy.

their song beautiful things has become my depression anthem.

you make beautiful things
out of the dust
you make beautiful things
out of us.

gungor.

about their new album:

resonate

2011-10-11T09:47:00.000-06:00

this post from melissa is resonating with me today. it was such a blessing to read this morning. it couldn't have come at a more perfect time. last night i said to travis, "we need to find someone to watch little sprite for a couple of days, so we can just enjoy each other".

this weekend we had a taste of it and i was left craving more travis and i time. we had an absolutely wonderful thanksgiving. this is my favorite holiday. it lacks the stress of christmas and is infused with color.

we spent time with two special-to-us families (well they are special just in general!). and it was breathtaking to spend time IN a family. holidays away from immediate family can be isolating, but this year we puzzle pieced into other families and felt very snug.

it is difficult to travis and i to spend (extended) quality time together because we have no immediate family here to step in when we need a break or take little sprite "just for fun". and all extra cash gets pooled into flight costs for when we do go back out west. we get by with movies rented from the library and bowls of generic popcorn and it works. but oh to just see each other for 24 hours! to be able to step out of life and really talk about where we are at, what we are looking forward to, what we are building. spend quality time speaking encouragement into each other's lives.

i need to be more intentional about this. just because i can't be whisked away for the weekend, doesn't mean i can't encourage travis.

it's been a extremely stressful year (and a half): loss of condo, graduation, loss of job(s), pregnancy, baby, major depression, financial difficulties, school...but we are in it together. i'm thankful to be in this all with travis.

m.

run free

2011-10-04T08:23:00.000-06:00

to be honest i haven't been able to run very much lately. bummer. with the sun setting earlier and me getting home later it's just a lose, lose situation. i did discover that i get a free membership at the university gym, so i'm hoping to give myself a kick in the butt next week and get back into running.

also, i was starting to get shin splints. booooo! then i realized that it had been too long since i got new shoes. see here is a common misconception. running is NOT CHEAP. you may be like me and thought, "i can't afford to get a gym pass or take yoga or any other class for the matter, so i'll just run." WRONG. if you run consistently you need new shoes every 6 months, you also need breathable clothes, running tights for when it's cold, shorts for when it's hot, a special running jacket...and on and on.i needed new shoes or i really couldn't keep running without risking an injury. perfect timing really. travis loses his job, i'm back in school...and i need new shoes.

around that time my friend heidi posted about what she runs in, specifically nike frees and virbam five fingers. i totally respect heidi as a runner (she's running a half this weekend!!), so i picked up a pair of frees.

nike frees are what are known in the running world as minimalistic shoes, really transitional minimalist shoes, because truly minimalistic running would be barefeet or vibrams. are you ready for a shock...when you wear frees you don't wear orthotics! (cue: gasps).

the philosophy begin minimalistic running is that wearing a really structured shoe with/without an orthotic prevents your foot from developing key muscles that, ironically, are essential for running. we've "overcorrected" our feet to fit shoes, which are typically narrow with support in specific places. by wearing a minimalistic shoe you build up these neglected muscles and thus reduce or even remove the need for wearing orthotics.

i know you are skeptical. so was i. but seriously loving the frees. you start out slow and with short runs because it takes time to transition. after a run i can literally feel the muscles under my arches and on my calves aching because...they have never been used before!

also, it is important to adopt mid-foot running when using a minimalistic shoe. i'll post about that another day, but there are some awesome videos on youtube showing the difference between heel-to-toe running and mid-foot running, i bet you didn't even realize that there was a different and better way to run.

countdown

2011-10-01T07:33:00.000-06:00

i woke up today and my heart sank a little. it's october...the countdown is really on.

the countdown until one.

i am completely, wholeheartedly, consumingly not ready for little sprite to turn one. each day we get a little closer and i feel a little sadder.

it was only 4 months ago that i was able to lift my head above the fog. when i was able to finally bond with my little girl. i grieved, and still grieve, the loss of the first 7 months. months where there was a baby in my house, but she did not feel like my baby and emotionally and physically i couldn't come to terms with this little life.

4 months ago i became a mom. i wasn't just a wet nurse or a caregiver. i finally slipped into the role of mom. i had a child and i loved her.

turning one is bittersweet. it's exciting because every day this precious little girl blossoms a little more and i am blessed to witness it. it's sad because in so many ways the beginning of our relationship as mother and daughter only began 4 months ago and my body and mind yearn to go back and do it all again. to recapture those first 7 months.

i find myself sneaking into her room late a night. picking up her sleep heavy body and settling into the rocking chair with her. listening to the rhythm of her breath. breathing deep the smell of her hair and skin. trying to remember. and making new memories. reluctant to put her back in her crib.

i'll embrace one, and before i know it two and then three,...but i will never forget to also embrace now, today. because you never know when now may fade away. when you lose sight of life as you are living it.

as much as memories are important and remembering it sweet. we live each day rooted in the present, in what God is doing now.

i may have lost 7 months, but i have many years to look forward to and many memories to make.

m.

oh daddy

2011-09-26T13:07:00.000-06:00

since i've been swamped with school travis has been very gracious in getting little sprite her breakfast in the morning and letting me sleep in for a few more minutes. because we have established that i need A LOT of sleep. it goes with these genes i got.

this morning he got up and asked me how i got little sprite to eat plain yogurt because when he tries she won't take it. i replied that i add a little fresh mint to it to sweeten it up.

...

a little while later i zombie walk into the kitchen to make some coffee and notice the fresh parsley sitting on the counter.

huh.

continue getting ready for school when it hits me. travis has been feeding little sprite yogurt with parsley instead of mint!! still makes me laugh. oh my.

i bring this to his attention. he asked me "how i am supposed to know which is which!"

classic man/travis question. only bested by:

"i can't find my ipod"
"did you look for it"
"no"
mandi lifts a cushion on the couch
"here it is"

anyway back to the parsley yogurt...i reach into the fridge and pull out the clearly labelled package of FRESH MINT.

oh travis. you know by reading.

m.

good-bye life

2011-09-24T19:51:00.001-06:00

i'm resigning myself to the fact that for the next 8 months i will have no life outside of school work. already i am losing the battle with returning emails and phone calls. i apologize! literally every minute of my days are filled with homework, housework, mommy and daughter time, or quick jogs to restore my sanity.

people keep asking me if i am worried about this job situation and to be honest "no"...because i DO NOT have time to really even think about it. maybe this is a good thing, more likely i will have a meltdown and you'll find me curled up in a corner one of these days.

until then there are always fresh pages to be read, papers to be written, labs to be deciphered, statistics to boggle my mind, and sticky notes to be stuck.

but then i come home to this...

on the flip side here at home, travis and little sprite have been battling fall colds. travis has been taking her out for playgroup and his poor immune system didn't know what hit it!! hello germs. i knew being a preschool teacher would come in handy some day :)

role reversal

2011-09-16T07:31:00.000-06:00

this week was very strange.

since travis is home now, we are, unfortunately, a "no job" family, and i'm still chipping away at this undergraduate business, roles have been switched.

i leave in the morning. travis stays home with little sprite.

it's weird.

we both feel a bit uncomfortable in these new roles. i'm exhausted from really long days at the "office" (hello 6 classes!) and travis is learning the art of balancing a baby, meals, naps, laundry, resume wrangling, and trying not to loose his marbles.

that we no longer have any income is paralyzing. we are praying feverishly that this changes soon, but we are also acutely aware of the blessing it is for little sprite to be home with her dad. not that child care is bad, but they are getting some very special bonding time.

friday, though, is my mommy day. a man from church graciously asked travis to spend the day working for him, so it's just me and my girl. reading books, playing chase, eating snacks, giggling, and hopefully, fingers crossed, taking a luxuriously long afternoon nap.

m.

beach love

2011-09-12T10:08:00.001-06:00

*the soother was preventing handfuls of sand from being stuffed in her mouth :)

m.

spices

2011-09-09T09:56:00.002-06:00

i tend to be the kind of person that can be unorganized for a while, slowly driving myself crazy, until i erupt in a frenzy of organizational activity. like today...i sent travis and little sprite OUT because they were making such a ginormous mess that all i could think about the crumbs on the floor, the dishes beside the sink, the running clothes discarded on the floor beside the toilet, the piles of laundry on my bed, the board books and toys scattered from one end of the house to the other, the amazing amount of dirt we managed to track into our tiny entrance...

awhile ago i channeled this frantic energy into organizing my spices. this summer has been a lot about organizing my kitchen actually. i spend a lot of time in there and it's small, so everything needs to be in it's place. i had stuffed all my spices in the cupboard above the stove and finally got tired of taking every single spice out whenever i needed something because without fail the one i needed would be in the back row. plus i'm not that tall.

perfect time to do this, since it was jamming season.

deep drawer + mini jam jars + a little spray chalkboard paint + expensive chalk markers (don't tell travis) = love.

and just like that i'm old.

2011-09-08T19:36:00.001-06:00

i know, i know, i'm not old, but seriously being on campus makes me feel ancient.

it was great to be on campus. i smelled a familiar smell. anyone who has ever lived in dorms will know it well. the smell of musty laundry mingled with the mr. noodle you ate at 2am beside said laundry drying between your bed and your roommates bed. hello smelly laundry.

campus was a buzz with everyone flitting around buying books, looking for classes, showing up for classes, being studious...this will pass. i look forward to the chaos dying down a bit once everyone gets into routine.

one funny story. one of my prof's has recently moved here from the states...multiple times throughout our class she referred to herself as "a foreigner" and that it had been hard moving to "this country". tara maybe you can explain this...it was like moving to canada was more of a culture shock than moving to china. she referred to the prices of food and commodities as "such a racket", which seriously $7 for milk IS a little much, but it was like she wanted us to feel sorry for her for having to move her from the states. hopefully she'll adjust quickly to this new land that she will be living in.

more school stories to come.

m.

begin again

2011-09-07T16:11:00.000-06:00

school starts again tomorrow. hopefully that the first of my last four semesters. i'm further along than this implies, but since my courses are only offered in specific semesters and i'm not taking a full course load, it all gets pushed ahead.

but the end is near. i know what i am working towards and that is exciting.

i'm 26, i've been pursuing post-secondary education for almost 8 years and just in the past year or so i have i finally figured out why i haven't been able to give this whole education journey up. i'm definitely not going to be called in to speak to grade 12 students about making career goals. ha!

i am going to be a professor. a university professor. in geography.

the end of this road is very far off, if not non-existent as any academic will tell you, but i look forward to each step. i always thought that i would finish university much earlier and even though i wanted to get a degree i never actually thought that i would use it (i can hear my mom and travis cringing). then one day we were driving on the 102 and i turned to travis and said, "travis i want to be a professor", and he said, "okay".

just call me professor.

m.

five

2011-09-02T12:47:00.002-06:00

today travis and i celebrate five years.

this year has been, apart from having a little girl to love, terrible. even worse than last year when our condo burned down. i don't mean travis and i have been terrible, everything around us seems to be falling apart. after i wrote about those two horrible weeks we encountered two even worse weeks.

from a worldly standard we have pretty much hit rock bottom. actually it feels like we hit rock bottom and now we are digging a hole to the other side of the world.

so we hold onto each other, little sprite pressed safe between us. we share a lot of tears, many long and rambling conversations, hugs that keep our insides from erupting, and even when God seems silent we look up. we may be on our knees, gravel crushing into our flesh, but our hearts are lifted to our Maker.

many times in the last few weeks i've pleaded with God to hide us in the cleft. oh Lord we know you are passing by, please protect us.

love you travis. love our little family so much.

terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week...or two

2011-08-26T07:07:00.001-06:00

silence has been all that i can muster in the last couple of weeks.

it's felt like one blow after another. the uncertainty of it all paralyzing me.

i've been spending my spare minutes sewing up simple bibs and little bags. anything to distract myself.

these fabrics came in the mail yesterday. i can't reveal what they are for yet, but i'm really excited for what they are meant to be.

if you ever want an hour or two to past in an instance start looking at fabric online. so much fun!

and of course some pictures of what you really came here to see...little sprite. evidence that she is quite a little ham.

travis and i went to the most ethereal wedding this past weekend. we tried to take a picture together, but alas we are terrible at taking pictures.

hello :)

2011-08-17T12:08:00.000-06:00

i finished my last summer class today. and then i took a longer nap. which isn't really out of the ordinary. i'm a napper. i love naps. most of the time i can't get through the day without a nap. it's also my body's way of coping with my depression, so i've been napping a lot :) but it helps me to have a better frame of mind and i'm pretty sure travis is happy about that.

my brain is quite mushy at the moment, but i just wanted to pop by and tell you to check out this awesome foodie website called Green Kitchen Stories.

whoa pretty sure a bird just hit the window on the door. it sounded painful...i'm going to go look at see if there is a bird sprawled out on the ground...there is a body mark on the window and a bird sitting on our little porch...not sure what to do...i'll give it some time to recover, probably got the wind knocked out of it.

...anyway. i'm dying to try the herb and pistachio falafel. love that it has lettuce leaves instead of bread. be warned travis. i'm off of school for 3 weeks, you will be experimented on. bahahahahahaha!

so, hope that bird is okay. eek.

m.

in the rain

2011-08-12T13:02:00.000-06:00

we have had a very discouraging week.

playing these songs over and over.

happy place

2011-08-11T07:18:00.000-06:00

one of the hardest symptoms of depression is the unrelenting desire to be happy. to be content. wanting to be happy is fine until it's unhealthy. until it makes me constantly pick up and put down projects, skills, hopes and plans trying to find one that fills that void.

i'm a jack-of-all-trades.

i love to read, i can sew, i can knit, i can crochet, i can scrapbook, i make my own cards, i like to decorate, i love being in school, i like to travel and explore, i can play the piano and the guitar, i lead worship at church, i like to run...get my drift. i can pretty much become obsessed about anything.

because i'm looking for something that gives me that feeling of accomplishment. sewing from thrifted shirts and sheets makes me feel like a good mom. being in school makes me feel smart. travelling makes me feel more knowledgeable. running makes me feel like an amazon woman and helps me love my post-baby body.

i'll coin it depression ADD. i'm good at many of these things, but not necessarily great at them because taking the time to figure out why my knitted washcloths always come out as lopsided squares doesn't make me feel happy. i want to be able to play that song on the piano now, not later. spending 45 minutes figuring out why i can't raise my bobbin thread irritates me to no end.

until a couple months ago all i could think about was having another baby. every month i hoped that i was surprisingly pregnant. we were not trying, but you know things happen. i let everyone around me know that i was ready (though i would find out later how much i wasn't ready).

what i really wanted was to go back to feeling happy. pregnancy made me feel amazing. the chemicals in my brain clicked and i felt NORMAL. i could cope with stuff, i was relaxed, i was hopeful. and afterwards when i grieved my pregnancy i thought that meant that i was ready for baby #2. but i realized i was also grieving being happy. i wanted to go back to feeling happy.

God has blessed my with an amazing husband who can read me like a book. as i was processing all this he asked me one day when we had decided that i needed to focus on school, but i was still insisting that i was ready to have a baby now,

"mandi are you happy?"

i thought about it for a while and realized that i am. i am happy.

i have a wonderful husband, a small, but cozy apartment, a car that is somehow miraculously still working (love you ace!), a funny and beautiful little girl who i'm finally seeing for who she is after so long stuck in the fog of PPD, i'm in school and leading worship at church. i'm more grounded than i've ever been. i'm happy.

then he said, "then you don't need another baby right now".

not exactly what i wanted to hear, but it rang with so much truth. we are always wanting more. but God gives us what we need today. not tomorrow. the goodness of the Lord is here and now. not tomorrow.

when i embrace the today and what God is blessing me with in these moments i feel happier than i ever could be if i figured out how to crochet a hat or how to make cute homemade picture frames.

m.

sweet sweet summer

2011-08-10T18:00:00.000-06:00

...in B.C. that is. over here i'm wearing pants and it's raining.

we had a super vacation. 2 provinces, 3 cities, hours and hours of travel. here are some of the highlights.

change my heart

2011-07-27T11:39:00.000-06:00

life is getting all turned around again.

read: NOT A BABY.

i find my self silently pleading with God "please don't disappoint, please don't disappoint."

but today as this prayer was running over and over through my head i realized that God doesn't disappoint his children. but that doesn't mean that disappointing circumstances won't arise in my life.

instead of praying that i won't be disappointed i need to pray for a change of heart, a turning towards God no matter if what happens is good or bad, joyful or sorrowful.

it's like we are standing so close to the picture of our life that we can't see any detail. turning my heart to God and asking him to change it for His will is like taking a step back, seeing more of the picture, and being able to refocus my perspective.

focus is good until it blurs out all the periphery. because God works on the edges too.

good morning

2011-07-24T05:37:00.000-06:00

it's sunday. i'm on worship this morning. just about to sit and reflect for a few moments, but wanted to post a picture. i've posted this one before, but i'm loving it today.

take the time to enter in the presence of the Lord this morning. he's waiting for you.

perfect timing

2011-07-22T10:51:00.000-06:00

life has gotten exponentially more busy over here for two reasons:

this.

and this.

all while i have 3 papers to write and book to read in the next 3 days.

perfect timing.

motoring

2011-07-19T07:58:00.000-06:00

crawling has become the new norm in our house. it's adorable. the mischievous is coming out in our little girl - she gets that from her dad :)

{changing my mind} margaret trudeau

2011-07-17T05:51:00.000-06:00

i found this video this morning and was refreshed by the frank way that margaret trudeau talks about mental illness and how it feels to be depressed. i don't have bipolar disorder, but the way she talks about depression is very similar to what i've felt. thank you margaret for not being afraid to share your story :)

m.

radio silence

2011-07-14T07:24:00.001-06:00

sorry it's been so quiet over here...it's summer for goodness sakes! or on days like today, hoping to be summer would be more appropriate.

i started another class last week and between that and some mysterious ailment that little sprite has contracted; teeth, virus, growth spurt...plain old grumpies...who knows, but it equals tears, lots of tears. any moment where she is actually sleeping i curl up on the couch and try to shut out the world for a few moments. this too shall pass.

and...i'm revelling in my new passion, sewing. my sister-in-law sent me some material for my birthday, which inspired me to bit the bullet and buy a sewing machine. it was one of those weird moments where you wonder was this a God thing? does God care about sewing machines? i jumped on kijiji and found a pretty much brand new sewing machine for 1/3 of the price from the first person i contacted. travis picked it up a few days later and it works like a charm. it sat around for a bit looking pretty while i saved up a bit to buy some thread, pins, seam ripper (more handy than i would care to admit), and picked up some more fabric for free from a garage sale, which has been very useful for experimenting.

i'd been dying to try out this super simple little girl dress pattern from MADE. first try was pretty brutal and it took me about 3 hours to complete this 45 minute project. second try, a bit better, a few adjustments need to be made, but how awesome is it to see your kid wearing something you made! pretty awesome.

here is the second try. there are lots of mistakes, but hey it actually looks like a dress!

and a bonus picture.

blue-eyed girls.

beach love

2011-07-08T06:10:00.000-06:00

we adore the beach.

last year i was pregnant and the heat seemed oppressive. this year it's like my skin just can't stop drinking the heat and sun in. little sprite loves the water as you can tell :)

{adventures of the white hat} strawberries

2011-07-05T06:52:00.001-06:00

we had a great time picking strawberries. it was hot, the strawberries were juicy. we don't often travel too far from home...with gas being so expensive, but i've been craving an outing. so this was perfect. little sprite is always up for an adventure and it was nice to spend some time with friends. the ice cream afterwards was pretty great too :)

some of you may be shaking your heads in horror that i let little sprite eat a strawberry whilst wearing a white shirt. do not fear! here is a stain tip for the summer: drap berry stained clothing over a bowl and pour boiling water over it. the water will draw out the stain leaving the previously ruined clothing pristine. you're shaking your head, i know. but it really works. i got this tip from a woman who grew up on a blueberry farm and i have used it and my friends have used it many times with success. since you were just going to throw that shirt out you might as well try it!

m.

heat + sun + smiles

2011-07-04T13:25:00.001-06:00

it was finally sunny this weekend and oh we had a wonderful weekend. much needed weekend filled with the warmth of friends and family, the sweet smell of sweaty skin, and the deep sleep that comes from spending hours in the sun.

more on that tomorrow. for today multitudes.

180. yellow sun, yellow flowers - yellow
181. dandelion puffs
182. wild daisies
183. birch leaves twinkling in the sun
184. 5k walks before dinner
185. my little chatty Cathy
186. fat, juicy strawberries
187. heat reminding me of home
188. quiet early morning runs
189. ice cream on sunny days
190. echos of fireworks in the night
191. watching hands and knees tentatively moving forward - so proud!
192. a picnic with our church family
193. surprise encounters with woodland creatures
194. little sprite's "oh" face! cutest face ever! especially when it results in surprise whistles.
195. MAIL!
196. swiss cheese...i love swiss cheese
197. daddy's arms scooping little sprite out of bed for a morning snuggle
198. toes sinking into the sand
199. a special person to watch little sprite - Nanny K :)
200. back to school

m.

many faces

2011-06-29T06:29:00.000-06:00

robin's egg blue

2011-06-28T05:53:00.000-06:00

grace in the darkness

2011-06-24T07:23:00.000-06:00

mark 8:34 "if anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me"

for the last 11 years of my life, almost half of my existence on earth, i've lived with the constant reality of the presence of mental illness in my life. it's so hard to write those words. they feel slimy and bitter when i say them. mental illness. the illness that nobody talks about, that we slide under the rug, and turn our heads away from. i won't deny that for a long time i have been ashamed of this part of me. it's the part that i would gladly cut away from my life if i could.

it's the part i have to divulge whenever i go to a new doctor or fill out medical forms. it's the part that follows me around and whispers in my ear, "you have a mental illness. you are too scarred to be worth anything. you aren't whole. you will always be broken"

when i was in high school, while my friend's were focussed on catching the eye of that cute boy or worrying whether they studied enough for that english test i was curled up on a chair in a tiny office talking to a counselor about how my mom had to get me out of bed that morning because i couldn't do it myself or how all i could do was sleep because i couldn't bear to face the next moment, let alone the next day.

i'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable. i don't mean to make you feel sorry for me. keep reading! hope is coming.

since that first diagnosis i learnt how to cope. i grew extremely sensitive to the peaks and valleys of life. i journal all the time because it's cathartic to write out the chaos in my mind, it helps me see light in the darkness.

pregnancy was the first time i felt normal. while many women struggle with the surging hormones i was basking in them. i felt whole. i felt alive. alive like i hadn't been in a very long time.

but pregnancy ends.

i'm going to skip then in between from birth to now. that's a post for another day. but suffice to say that i was diagnosed about a month ago with postpartum depression. 7 months after i welcomed little sprite into the world. i thought that i had escaped it. i thought that if i kept turning my eyes away from the truth that it would cease to exist. i kept writing my multitudes, and journalling, and praying, but the fog kept getting thicker and thicker.

Life was (and is!) good. i was happy with my decision to go back to school and being a mom was, as far as i could tell, pretty great. but there was a restlessness throbbing beneath the surface.

on june 6 i wrote this in my journal:

life is good. i'm enjoying school and little sprite...but there is something i can't shake. a listlessness, a sadness that erupts in sobs at any moment. a detachment in my soul that i remember, that i don't want to remember. but it's there, slithering up my spine, and weaving its tendrils into my heart and mind.

the reality of depression is that it's a slow transition, but one day you wake up and realize that you are lost. that somehow, someone stole in behind your back and changed EVERYTHING. at first you didn't really notice it. it was just a picture here or there, maybe a knick knack moved from right to left, or the packaging away of a single feeling each day, but gradually it's all different and you start panicking because you don't know who you are or how you got here. someone has moved the door and instead of searching for it you find yourself curled up on the floor, eyes closed, rocking back and forth, silently screaming. all the while hoping that no one realizes how broken you are.

i'm writing about this because i know there are other women out there struggling with depression. i want to break through this wall of silence! i want the words mental illness to be followed by the same emotions that would follow any other illness; compassion, empathy, words of hope. a broken heart needs the same treatment as a broken arm - love.

in one thousand gifts ann talks about how all that God makes is good, "all God makes is good. Can it be that, that which seems to oppose the will of God actually is used of Him to accomplish the will of God? that which seems evil only seems so because of perspective, the way the eye sees the shadows. above the clouds, light never stops shining...GOD WASTES NOTHING". {chapter 5}

i quoted mark 8 earlier because recently this verse has changed for me. in this whole depression journey the question on my heart has been, "why!?" "why me?" "why do i have to life like this?" but i've started to realize that God wastes nothing. that this burden is a part of His glory, if i let it be. the power of God's grace is that He gives me strength to live in a sin addled world. i take up this cross, my story, knowing that God has blessed me with it to tell others about Jesus, about His grace in my life.

did you notice that the verse doesn't say, "put down your cross" and follow?

as hard as it is to write this and even harder to let this truth sink into my soul, my depression journey isn't about healing. that hurts. oh how i long for it to be about healing. but it's not.

this is my cross. but GOD WASTES NOTHING. this has been the cry of my heart GOD WASTES NOTHING. hallelujah!!

this is my hurt hip. this is God reminding me that He is working in my life, constantly. moment by moment.

so maybe it's not God's will for me to be physically healed, but healing of the soul. the peace that comes with knowing that God is turning this cross into a story of grace and joy amidst the pain. a story of the reality of living for God in our broken world. a way to reach across valley's and help another woman walk out of the fog.

what if your blessing come through raindrops

what if your healing comes through tears

what is the thousand sleepless nights are what

it takes to know You're near

what is trials of this life

are You mercies in disguise

special moccasins

2011-06-21T10:46:00.000-06:00

i couldn't wait until these special shoes fit.

they were mine and i believe my mom's too. pretty neat :)

that little sweater was mine too. thanks for saving them mom!

multitude monday

2011-06-20T19:34:00.001-06:00

i'm sliding this one in before i climb underneath the crisp, cool sheets.

161. pots bubbling on the stove
162. avocado's on burgers
163. sand between her toes...and in her mouth :)
164. memories of birth-days
165. bare shoulders in the sun
166. books littered around me
167. belly laughs
168. scripture on the fridge
169. seeing a friend again and sharing all that has happened
170. red-breasted robin perched in the tree
171. fighting my way back to me
172. good morning grins
173. supper on the stove
174. a bonus at-home day
175. kneading of my side while she nurses
176. legs tucked beneath on a familiar tan sofa
177. hands sinking into suds
178. sun streaming through windows
179. words - from mind to fingertips
180. semester wrapping up - i did it!

but the secret of joy is to keep searching for God where we doubt He is
one thousand gifts

m.

one thousand gifts

2011-06-17T07:01:00.000-06:00

it's not often that you read a book and hear yourself. in this book i can hear my heart whispering to me.

Beauty is all that is glory and God is Beauty embodied, glory manifested. This is what I crave; I hunger for Beauty. Is that why I must keep up the hunt? When I cease the Beauty hunt, is that why I begin to starve, waste away?

I have to seek God Beauty. Because isn't my internal circuitry wire to seek out something worthy of worship? Every moment I live, I live bowed to something. And if I don't see God, I'll bow down before something else

Nature is not God but God revealing the weight of Himself, all His glory, through the looking glass of nature

I am bowed like wheat, raised like grass blades, grounded and rooted to now, and from Him and through Him and to Him are all things and all is His and everything that has breath praises Him

{from Chapter 6}

there is an ache in my heart. a yawning emptiness inside of me. it throbs to be filled. vainly i try to fill it...clothes, books, school, even children, but each seems a splash, ripples fading away. sometimes there seems a perfect fit, but the hole yawns wider, stretches deeper.

i realize what it is. i know how to fill it, but i turn my back to it because selfishly i think it me filling it. it's not me filling it or fixing it. it's God. only God is more boundless than this void. only God stretches further than the deepest depths of my soul.

but i forget. i forget who God is. i walk away from him promises into nothingness. foolishly thinking that i can do it. that i can make something from nothing. i forget where my joy comes from.

it comes from knowing God, from seeing God.

m.

many faces

2011-06-16T08:56:00.000-06:00

hello there! face

whoa! what's that?! face

first cracker face

first wind in the hair (or hat) face

you caught me! face

new silly scrunched up nose face

sleepy face

i love bath time face

multitude monday

2011-06-13T06:23:00.000-06:00

i missed multitudes last monday. it's been a strange couple of weeks. hopefully i'll get to write more about that soon. until then it's a relief to focus on the little things.

141. smell of fresh cut grass piggybacking the breeze

142. early morning walks to start the day with lungs full of sunshine

143. smooth, cool chocolate melting on my tongue

144. awakening in the morning with a little one snuggled close

145. leaves dancing in the wind

146. skin warming with the sun's rays

147. smell of sweet milky breath

148. cool sheets wrapped around my toes

149. charlotte's web in my window

150. blue eyes hidden beneath wide brims

151. comfortable silence of car rides

152. late night cuddles when little eyes are too excited to close

153. small hands inside big hands

154. vivid blue skies

155. grass prickling underneath feet

156. ideas bubbling to the surface

157. hidden friendships :)

158. long talks with my best and dearest friend - love you travis!

159. safety of embraces

160. shadows behind blinds

watermelon multitudes

2011-05-30T06:48:00.003-06:00

it's been raining for a month. you think i'm exaggerating, but i'm not. it's actually been raining for over a month. however, if i think about that it makes me want to cry, so i'm not thinking about it. at the moment we are having a thunderstorm...at 9:30 in the morning, complete with rumbling thunder and lightening.

yesterday it rained in the morning, but the sun burst through in the afternoon. thank you Jesus! we had a barbeque. i splurged and bought a watermelon. i used the watermelon knocking method, i.e. knock on the watermelon and if it sounds hollow it's a good one, which i know sounds silly, but it really works. generations of wiebe's/walde's can attest to it. anyway...little sprite was fascinated by said watermelon. thus ensued cute pictures of her and the watermelon.

hello monday!

131. the sweet taste of summer - mmmmm watermelon :)
132. little ones "talking" to each other
133. upwelling of tears that remind me how special something is
134. little hands searching for noses and cheeks, while tucked in underneath warm covers
135. rumbling of thunder. how majestic is our God!
136. the gift of sunflowers
137. laughter among friends
138. a pen scratching paper
139. sun enough to sit outside!
140. this book one thousand gifts - more on this later

{adventures of the white hat}

2011-05-27T14:09:00.000-06:00

sorry no text today. somehow 5:30am has because the new wake-up time. keep. eyes. open....

multitudes

2011-05-24T06:23:00.004-06:00

121. white laundry shining in the sun
122. sun kissed noses
123. blossoms reaching up for light...and finding it
124. stillness & quietness of the morning
125. fingers thrilling to the keys underneath
126. rhythm of feet pounding the road
127. one hand holding another's hand
128. sunshine willing smiles onto faces
129. celebrating a brand-new life
130. remembering those first moments

i'm mustering up courage not to cry today. it's a worship week. these weeks are always tough. i pray for peace and protection, for ears to hear and a heart to listen. i pray for space to practice the art of worshipping with an open soul.

tears are close, at the brim. my pen furiously scratches the page seeking solace and comfort. my bible is open. i pray for insight. o Lord draw near to my aching heart.

m.

sunny day

2011-05-20T12:40:00.000-06:00

the sun peeked through yesterday afternoon.

unfortunately, today it's raining again. boo.

34.

we went to a friend's house for a dip in their kiddie pool. and little sprite hung out in her diaper and a t-shirt. it was that hot! well, muggy, so it felt hot :)

maybe tomorrow the sun will come out again...or maybe sunday.

life abundant

2011-05-19T06:48:00.001-06:00

on monday i received a call from a friend to tell me she was pregnant.

my heart swelled and i cried. happy and joyful tears. thankful tears.

i've been doing that a lot lately. crying, that is.

i'm not sure why. love makes me cry. babies make me cry. sunshine makes me cry.

my heart has been tasting the sweetest of life and thrilling to the joy of it all. i'm at peace with where i am. there are still annoying thoughts racing through my head, my propensity to over plan always seems to get the best of me, exhaustion weighs on my bones like a thick wool blanket, and the road ahead is continually unsure, but i'm literally tasting in big gulps the goodness of God. i'm drinking it in and my belly is full and content.

as i write that i'm aware of many women who are deep in throes of very intense battles for their minds and bodies. and i want you to know that i'm praying for you. i'm praying for peace and hope that is not disappointed. i'm praying that you feel the closeness of God in your darkest moments. that, although your heart is aching, it too can taste the goodness of your Heavenly Father.

i'm praying that "you [can] see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living...", that God gives you the strength to remain strong, take heart, and wait for the Lord. You are not forgotten. {psalm 27}

m.

noah's ark

2011-05-17T06:05:00.000-06:00

my professor said that he had heard yesterday that we had had 30 days of rain in a row...

31...

tomorrow it is supposed to rain...32

it's not just rainy, it's foggy. it feels like we are locked in our own little snow globe, but instead of snow, it's a heavy fog.

they are calling for sun on thursday...fingers crossed!

i don't really mind rain. i love the pittter patter on windows and the excuse to stay inside cuddled under a blanket, but...even i have a limit and 30 days is reeeeaaalllly pushing it. it's months like these that i'm reminded of why i could never live in the UK.

it's been a while since i've done a multitude monday. i'm aware that it's not monday, but amidst all this rain i need to be reminded of my multitudes.

101. sunflowers that have miraculously been alive for almost 10 days. a new favorite flower i think!
102. pages and pages of literature to be devoured
103. realizing that some times little girl just needs her mama
104. husband who holds me and lets me cry
105. peace about tough decisions
106. buds fighting so hard against the gloom - inspiring!
107. feeling contentment and not disappointment at opportunities that are not ours yet.
108. anticipation of new life to arrive soon - not me! just the 4 women i know ready to pop any day now.
109. a long awaited lunch with a friend and her husband, hopefully more to come :)
110. a little girl who doesn't mind cuddling for a few extra minutes in the morning.

m.

day two

2011-05-11T11:21:00.000-06:00

in case you were wondering being back at school is, so far, going even better than i anticipated. it was extremely strange and unnerving to leave little sprite behind, but i blessed to have an amazing friend taking care of her, which leaves me with a ton of peace.

{day one} little sprite proceeds to show sarah how she can roll over...over and over. and how she can sleep like a log for extended periods of time. if only she would practice these skills at home.

i tease. well, about the rolling part. seriously kid! i am very aware of how lucky i am to have a daughter who inherited the "better off sleeping than awake" gene. little b. was a bit disappointed that his anticipated wonderful afteroon with little sprite kept getting interrupted by those darn naps.

i, on the other hand, feel...whole. a long time ago i wrote about puzzle piece moments and going back to school has been one of those moments. the piece slides into place. i'm busy and oh so tired, but good. good in the best sense of that word.

but it is hard being away from my blue-eyed girl. she smells sweeter, her cheeks are brighter. those slobbery kisses are welcomed fervently. i find myself stopping and listening to her voice because it feels like ages since we were together. i also see glints of new knowledge in her eyes. my heart twinges that i'm not there.

but i'm reminded of why i'm here, at this desk, in this atrium, voices echoing around me. i'm here because a whole mommy is what she needs.

hello day two.

m.

first day

2011-05-09T07:19:00.002-06:00

having a mini heartache over here!

it's my first day back to school since little sprite was born.

i'm very nervous. and extremely excited! i LOVE the first day of school. there is something about walking across the campus with new books in my bag, the anticipating of a new syllabus and first lecture thrilling though my body, that is intoxicating. the summer semesters are a blur of reading, listening, and writing. before i know it i'll be diving into my second course. literature from the 1800s is one of my true loves and i can't wait to hear different perspectives on the angst of jane austen and the themes that are woven through the novels that were chosen.

i spent the morning furiously steaming and pureeing food for little sprite. making dinner for tonight and getting a meal schedule written out for the next week or so.

my heart is so relieved that we are back to a schedule. that there is something i can plan around.

here we go!

m.

i. need. sunshine.

2011-05-06T11:30:00.000-06:00

i began this post this morning. so it's in two parts. here is part one:

we have had one day of sunshine in about 3 weeks.

i'm going crazy. my range of emotions in the last five minutes has gone from sadness and tears, to anger, and back to tears. if i were a painting at this moment it would be one of those that looks like a 5 years old just threw paint at a blank canvas.

the thought of this is the only thing keeping me together...

i was in a situation recently where a lot of strong opinions were being shared about mom's who choose to work outside of the home. a lot of negative opinions were being shared. and it was hard. it was my first time being in a situation like that, though i'm sure it won't be my last. it was particularly difficult considering that that i had made my decision to be outside of the home mere weeks before.

i know that it will not be easy working outside the home. i am well aware that there are going to be days that i can't and won't hold it all together. but i have so much peace about going back. i need to go back. little sprite needs me to go back.

that is what i'm holding onto this morning. the promise that those books hold.

here is part two. written after the sunshine burst through the clouds and i embarked on a long walk with little sprite.

thank you Lord for sunshine that soothes my soul.

thank you for friends who call and ask about the state of my heart.

royal wedding

2011-05-05T06:36:00.001-06:00

the 8th time little sprite woke up during the night was at 6am promptly in time for the royal wedding. not sure what was going on that night, but we did get to see the wedding live and that was pretty spectacular.

it was lovely.

i'm still watching re-runs and looking at gallery after gallery of hats and dresses.

my mom, sister, little sprite, and i went to a royal wedding tea party later in the afternoon.

good thing we had our royal wedding tea :) thanks marilyn! it was a hit. i'm pretty sure i am the only one in our community with such an awesome piece of history.

{sunglasses & hats}

2011-05-04T14:20:00.000-06:00

if you had found these sunglasses you would have bought them too...

i'm also a sucker for wide-brimmed hats...

a hat can be anything, really

little bunny

2011-05-02T13:34:00.001-06:00

my mom and sister were in town last week, so excuse the lateness of these posts. we had a lot of fun, did a lot of shopping, laughed, travelled...it was great. it was so special to see little sprite with her favorite auntie (already!), and cuddly grandma. little sprite was all smiles the whole time regardless of whether or not a nap had been taken and is in the midst of learning hilarious facial expressions and figuring out all the sounds she can make. so basically we all just watched her the entire time and said things like, "what a little turkey", "she is so funny", "hi happy girl", "you're so cute", etc, etc.

i'm going to try and spread these photos out over a few posts.

so back to easter.

{child of the ocean}

2011-04-25T12:20:00.000-06:00

dna

2011-04-20T11:08:00.000-06:00

deoxyribonucleic acid. the stuff the makes you, you.

one of the most exciting things about having a biological child is seeing how the dna from two people manifests itself in this little person.

i always imagine that during the time when all the parts were being determined that our two sets of dna battled it out in an epic contest...

when little sprite came out she looked like me. but as she gets older and her facial features change she is pretty much 95% bartel. and sometimes that makes me sad. don't read this the wrong way! she is so beautiful and i love all her tiny little features, but i think every parent would like to be able to see a part of themselves in their kid.

the comment that i hear about her most often is, "oh my she is all travis"...and a part of me wants to say "what about me?!??!"

but travis always reminds me that she does have me in her too. in subtle ways, but not any less important ways.

she has my big blue eyes.

she has my bumpy right ear.

she has my long, gangly toes and narrow feet.

she has my little piggie nose.

she has my long, curled eyelashes.

i'm learning to look at her less as part travis and part me and more as her being her own unique person.

i'm inspired so much by families who have grown through adoption. i've watched love grow just like it grew with us. there is no difference in love. we love our children as complete packages and we know that God knit them together, regardless of if that was in our womb or not.

dna does not determine love.

my blue-eyed girl.

many faces

2011-04-19T05:52:00.002-06:00

just a random smattering of things today.

a sweet face. what you can't see is the little hands that found the little feet. a beautiful moment.

prunes = a funny little frenchman. travis and i died laughing. also this whole eye/eyebrow thing is all travis.

a great song.

another great song.

still

2011-04-18T06:21:00.001-06:00

somehow it's already monday again.

i'm still in my p.j.'s, sitting on the couch, reflecting on this past weekend. little sprite is fast asleep.

it was a good weekend. it had a few messy moments, for example when i was inexplicably upset that travis was going to go out to a dance party (oh yes you read that right) even though he was graciously leaving after i was in bed. he kept saying, "you're giving me mixed signals" and i replied, "of course i am! i'm a woman!"

lately it feels like our worlds only touch for the 15 minutes that i'm awake feeding little sprite before he leaves for work and the hour or two before i succumb to fatigue in the evening. both those times involve me being so tired i can barely string together sentences.

but he heard understood my muddled up feelings and stood guard against our family sunday. we did nothing. it was great.

i lead worship this sunday and it was...so sweet. there is a verse in psalm 34 that says, "oh, taste and see that the Lord is good" and i tasted his goodness through worship this week.

i am not an amazing singer or piano player. i'm a very disorganized and chaotic leader. i don't know the exact terms for everything that i hear in my head, leading to practices that involve me and my team trying to decipher the maze of my thoughts.

i am an empty vessel and when i ask and allow him to, God fills me up to overflowing.

being a worship leader is tough. you are constantly in a state of evaluating where your heart is because whenever it becomes about you the spirit of worship is staunched. standing up in front of a congregation and being in a place of leadership is an open window for pride to come in. it's a very real battle to surrender yourself, to put aside pride and self-satisfaction, and instead have a heart of humility and an open heart and mind to allow God to flow through you.

but there are moments when, in the midst of the chaos, a stillness settles, the world stops spinning, i feel God so close and the truth that i was made for that exact moment swells in my heart.

that happened this weekend. and it was good. it was palm sunday and we praised God. we lifted His name on high. we tasted His goodness and saw glimpses of His glory.

sometimes i think all God asks is that we are still. because in those moments of stillness he can speak and be heard.

m.

homemade quinoa cereal

2011-04-12T15:59:00.000-06:00

since little sprite's skin rejected rice cereal i went searching for options. i emailed my "granola" friend michelle (i am aware that my desire to make pure rice cereal may also label me as "granola" - i'm okay with that!) who sent me a recipe and voila cereal from various grains.

for reasons that i don't want to go into detail about i wanted to switch to a more digestible grain; quinoa. i love quinoa and it cooked up really nicely. it also pairs nicely with prunes :)

i give ruth karon all the credit for this recipe from her book super baby food.

1/3 cup any grain - we LOVE quinoa (others: rice, millet...)
2 cups water

grind grain for about 2 minutes in clean coffee grinder. boil water and pour the grain in slowly, mixing frequently. simmer for 10 minutes. this ratio makes 1 full ice tray + a little for the next meal. i froze mine and little sprite has been eating them daily.

yummy!

seriously kid. you are too cute!

m.

looking

2011-04-09T06:54:00.003-06:00

little sprite loves looking at things. it used to be all about faces. she would stare anybody close enough down. lately its been the sky and trees. trees are especially interesting.

looking for that strange sound planes make is also intriguing.

like mother, like daughter

2011-04-07T14:00:00.000-06:00

travis snapped this picture this morning after an early morning wake-up call that ended up with little sprite in our bed.

do me a solid

2011-04-05T06:15:00.000-06:00

i was trying to hold of as long as possible to give little sprite solids, but once 5 months hit it was clear she needed them. she had become my own personal vulture, watching my every move while i ate and screaming after she nursed.

of course we started out with some rice cereal, which she loved...and then had a reaction too. i was fairly certain that it wasn't the actual rice that she was reacting to, but something added to the cereal. have you seen the ingredients on those packages! anyways...we switched to broccoli. so stinky. bleh. went over pretty well.

i did a little googling and did you know that you can make homemade rice cereal with just rice, who knew! super simple too and you can substitute rice for pretty much any grain: quinoa, millet, oatmeal...

i'm using a recipe a friend gave me from the book super baby food by ruth karon, but you can easily find recipes online, such as this one. so simple. i cooked a batch and then froze them, just like i would veggie purees. and the best part, no reaction. hooray!

this whole starting solids thing has flung me into serious newborn nostalgia. i looked through all her newborn pictures the other night and have re-told travis a bazillion stories about when little sprite was really little. she was ready for solids, me on other hand not so much!

heavy heart

2011-04-04T10:29:00.002-06:00

i miss my family so much.

my mom and sister are coming to visit at the end of april and i suppose this should make me excited, but instead i've been feeling more and more homesick as the date of their arrival approaches.

i think it's because they are only going to be here for a short time and then they'll be gone and it will be another almost 4 months before i see them again. and flights have gotten even more expensive and food is more expensive and with all our expenses being eaten up by food and just general living expenses there is little money to go back to visit.

we have so many people here who are great. we have what we call our "surrogate" family and i am so thankful for them. i'd be having meltdowns a lot more often if it wasn't for them! but they have their own families here, close by. i'm in this lonely place of feeling like we are becoming more and more lost to our home families, but we can never be that close with our surrogate families.

and that place hurts.

i don't want to minimize what super friends i have here:

jenn who calls me just to talk and laugh.
sarah who seems to know when i'm losing it and who i have grown so close with.
vickey who i can laugh with about the funny things our husbands do.
janice who always asks me how i'm doing and never makes me feel like i'm not talking about something important.
marion who took travis and i in as "adopted" children and loves little sprite in a way that calms my heart.
debbie who when i asked for a mom hug at church didn't laugh, but just held me as tears filled my eyes.
anne who told me to come over if i ever needed some mom time.
daphne whose arms are always open to little sprite.
kristen who i have shared heartache with.
sheilagh who i share a musical bond with and i know, she knows, that part of my heart.
lauren whose kindness always blesses me.

i could go on and on. there are many women i didn't even mention. every woman who goes to our church really!

to each and every one of you i think i can honestly say on behalf my mom that she is thankful for you too. it breaks her heart that she can't be here and knowing that you have gathered around little sprite and i soothes her soul.

mostly i miss my sister. i miss you so much amber. it's so hard for me not see you every day and not to watch you interacting with little sprite. it's funny because we used to fight like cats and dogs, we still do! but what i wouldn't give to fight with you today because that would mean you are near. i know i'm terrible at telling you how much you mean to me. i don't call or skype as often as i should. that darn time difference. but you are my sister and not having you around is like a happy meal without fries. the fries are the best part :)

i miss you too mom. and you too dad. and you too binner. i could use a brother hug at the moment.

oh this is so sappy. forgive my sappiness. tomorrow i'm sure i'll be back on my feet and eagerly anticipating the arrival of my mom and sister, but today, today i'm sad.

however, the wonderful thing is that i can look at all the people around us and know that even though we are far, far away from our family, that God brought us here and our new friendships are evidence that God knows my heart and he is blessing us for listening to where he wants us to be. each person, each family is a piece of God's love for us.

m.

jolly

2011-03-31T16:27:00.000-06:00

little sprite tried out the jolly jumper a couple of weeks ago. she thought it was pretty cool. she looked like she was tap dancing. we have carpet, so we put a blanket down. good thing we did :)

her new popsicle babylegs made her jump even better. obviously.

we started solids this week. it's already been an adventure!

m.

green

2011-03-25T07:14:00.002-06:00

i've said it before, but i LOVE geography.

the hardest part about being plugged into geography classes is that the problems of the world are in my face all the time. it can be overwhelming. i'm constantly aware of what is wrong. this was one of the reasons why we went with cloth diapers, which if anyone is wondering is going really well.

lately quite a few documentaries have come to my attention about various green issues. i don't want to push my ideas about green methods on you, but i think that most people are just unaware of the impact each individual person has on the earth every day. our choices matter. and not just our choices about the earth, but about our own bodies.

i'm also posting these for myself because you know how you find articles places and then a couple months later want to go back to that article, but can't find it anywhere...yeah that happens to me a lot.

here is the exhaustive list :)

a great article entitled why choose cloth diapers? we use amp diapers. a lot of people we know were very skeptical when we told them we would be using cloth diapers, but everyone changes their tune when they see how easy they are to use and clean.

a shocking documentary on the effects of plastic on the reproductive system. the disappearing male. travis and i try not to use plastics in our home and have even started getting rid of our plastic lunch containers. you'd be surprised at the glass options out there. even for little sprite. we use glass bottles and once she starts eating we'll use stainless steel sippy cups, bamboo utensils, and cloth bibs.

on the other hand this is a great expose on how companies have taken advantage of our desire to stay away from chemicals. lousy labels. this one made me really mad.

in light of the previous documentary here is a website that rates lotions, shampoos, etc. on their toxicity level. cosmetics database. we use a great product for bathing little sprite by the company gaia.

the toughest part of being earth friendly is cleaning. for the bathroom i use seventh generation products, though after hearing about their deceptiveness with their diapers i was quite irritated. what i like about their cleaning products is that they are non-toxic. of course, there are really simple options. vinegar is a super cleaner. i use vinegar on our floors and am hoping to start using it for other things.

nurtured is our favorite store in halifax with lots of earth friendly products.

i believe the biggest hurdle to people using green products and methods is the perceived exorbitant cost and extra work it would take to implement them. this is so false! some products are very overpriced, but it's about being smart. for example, i mentioned we will use stainless steel sippy cups and bamboo spoons. it would be easy to go crazy and buy multiple sippy cups and a whole bamboo set with a bowl, cup, fork and spoon. but why not just buy a spoon and use small bowls you already have in your house for food? yes, a bowl will get broken here and there, but when it does discarding it doesn't add plastics to landfills and you can be sure that if you have to heat up a meal in it that chemicals aren't leaching into your child's food. with the sippy cups, yes you probably will have to wash that cup a lot and it would be easier to have another one empty when that one gets dirty, but again plastics! when it comes down to it we are more concerned with convenience than safety.

i could go on and on, but i fear i'm starting to sound a little crazy :)

do you have any green solutions that you use?

m.

mess

2011-03-23T14:14:00.001-06:00

my house is a mess.

the breakfast dishes are still on the counter snuggled beside the lunch dishes.

laundry from yesterday is still piled on the couch.

the table is littered with puzzle pieces.

odds and ends line the halls.

my bed, however, is made and that is my victory for the day!

cousins

2011-03-22T11:32:00.001-06:00

before kids the married-in's always joked about the strong bartel genes. they can't be that dominant, right?!?

then little sprite and little buddy cousin came along.

it's funny to me that they look so alike, but he is all boy and she is all girl.

both are pretty cute :)

m.

worship multitudes

2011-03-21T08:42:00.000-06:00

i have the incredible and humbling job of being a worship leader (one of a few) at our church.

this is a spot that God has grown in my life for many years.

no matter how inadequate i feel in the days, hours, and seconds before the service starts, when we step before God's throne it's like the world stops around me and many times i have heard God whisper to my heart, "you were made for this".

this last month two albums have come across my path that have infused me with a spirit of worship.

the first is {flags} by brooke fraser. not technically a "worship" CD, but listen and you'll see...

the second is {be lifted high} by brian and jenn johnson of bethel church.

i thought i'd share some of the songs from those albums that make my heart soar lately along with a couple extras.

91. crows + locusts by brooke fraser

92. deep cries out (featured william matthews) by brian & jenn johnson

93. i will exalt (featuring amanda falk) by brian & jenn johnson

94. praise the lord by kristene mueller

95. sailboats by brooke fraser

96. betty by brooke fraser

97. God i look to you by brian & jenn johnson

98. restless by audrey assad (this one i'm just discovering)

99. God is God by steven curtis chapman

100. God of the redeemed (featuring jeremy riddle) by brian & jenn johnson

excuse the cheesy videos :)

also, brian & jenn johnson post all the chord charts on their website. how awesome is that!!

m.

baby wearing

2011-03-20T19:13:00.000-06:00

do you baby wear?

we are big fans of it over here. i find it especially helpful when little sprite wakes up exactly as i am beginning to make dinner and needs some cuddles.

in the beginning she spent a lot of time in the peanut shell sling and then for a while she was too big to lay back in it, but too little to sit up. this week i pulled it out again and found that it is once again useful.

we also bought a beco carrier on kijiji. HIGHLY RECOMMEND. we LOVE our beco and have grown a group of devoted beco users around us :) we have an older generation carrier, but those new ones are amazing. maybe for kid number two we'll get one...travis will laugh at the sentence when he reads it.

i also heard that moby wraps are awesome and ring slings. oh and ergo carrier are good too, they are similar to the beco.

the best part about baby wearing is having the little one right up against my chest. it reminds me of being pregnant and for some odd reason i find that comforting.

look at those chubby cheeks! very kissable :)

m.

wake up!

2011-03-18T08:44:00.000-06:00

for some reason this last week or so has been bad for naps and just sleeping in general. i don't know if it a growth spurt, congestion, a bad sleeping habit we've developed, or what, but in light of the frustration of getting an infant to sleep i've complied a list.

a list of ways to get your child to wake up. you know those days where your kid has been having a really long nap and you're thinking "i wish she would just wake up because i'm so booooooored. i have nothing to do but sit here in this silence".

yeah right.

but here is the list just in case.

5 ways to wake your child from slumber:

1. start any task. ANY task. like filling up the sink to wash the dishes or tidying up the house. you don't even have to loudly vacuum. not matter how quiet you are your kid will hear you! amazing isn't it?!?!

2. try to take a shower. this one works for me every time.

3. lay down on the couch to catch a quick nap after a long night of 3-4 hour wake-up calls. i find it incredibly easy to get about the day without a full night's sleep. don't you?!??

4. cozy down on the couch to do your devotions.

5. answer the phone. obviously your child is old enough to want to know what mommy is talking about. don't deprive her of this special time!!

in all honesty i have a great sleeper on my hands, but it's incredible how after a couple rough nights i start to lose my sanity.

if you've had some rough nights i hope it makes you laugh.

colds/massages/brain loss

2011-03-17T10:45:00.000-06:00

little sprite has a cold. 'tis the season! it's making for short naps and lots of cuddles. my friend passed along this awesome vicks plug-in. RECOMMEND. it's great for clearing up those snotty nostrils.

i've been having migraines for a couple of months and recently realized that they are connected to nursing and in general having a baby. messes with the body! today i had a deep tissue massage and it hurt SO much. but oh my i feel better already. my back and shoulders are an absolute mess. the masseuse said that some of my muscles had glued themselves together and we had to "unglue" them. ouch! hopefully this will help in the long run. i also desperately need to start running and stretching again.

it's a mystery that through pregnancy you have pregnancy brain and than after having the baby you have mommy brain. to me it seems that during both these times you should be blessed with even better brain power, instead of less. today it forgot, for the second time in a row, that i teach a piano lesson on thursday's over lunch. i wrote it in my calendar, i remembered last night, i remembered this morning, i remembered during my massage and then i forgot about 15 minutes before it was about to start and instead left the house for a quick trip to the grocery store. i came home to a message on the answering machine. why brain, why?!!?!??! it frustrates me to no end when i forget things.

m.

an evening multitude monday

2011-03-14T17:18:00.001-06:00

81. giggles from the nursery because daddy is home and giggles always follow
82. an impromptu dinner guest even if the house is a bit messy!
83. sharing in a baby shower welcoming two little girls
84. the smell of spring in the air - we'll have more snow for sure, but the long days are behind us :)
85. letting God take this empty vessel and fill it to overflowing after another difficult week preparing for worship
86. a short conversation with my sister - miss you so much!
87. tulips!
88. a husband who loves the weekend because he gets to spend time with "his blue-eyed girls"
89. a captivating scripture search - why don't i do that more often!
90. the blessing of surrogate grandparents who hold the little one and knowing that she is in good hands - we desperately miss the real grandparents though!!

m.

lent

2011-03-10T07:13:00.002-07:00

lent began yesterday. i've been thinking about lent for a while. until bible school i had to concept of what lent was at all.

i can remember distinctly the lent service we had that year. the chapel was dark and a heavy silence had settled in the room. on the stage sat to cellist and after the speaker lead us through a chilling reading of lamentations the most haunting and soulful music filled the auditorium. it was my first introduction to acoustic worship. we started the season of lent off reminding ourselves of how much we need Christ.

since that semester i've observed lent in various ways. one year i gave up facebook, another i read by bible every day...last year i was marooned on the couch "giving up" chicken, ground beef, onions, and paper towel smells. a pregnancy induced lent :)

this year i had grand visions of giving up t.v., as per my previously mentioned t.v. addiction.

what i struggled with was the realization that it was all well and good to give up t.v., but i know that once lent is over i will revert to my old habits again. sad, but oh so true.

a friend from bible school wrote an interesting blog titled "for lent i'm going to watch more johnny depp movies". i like what she has to say about lent.

what if we replaced "giving up" with "doing"?

i completely understand the importance of fasting and sacrificing a vice. there are many things that keep up from God and it's good and healthy to remove those vices from our lives. but maybe lent would be more effective if we focused on what God has called us to do; love our neighbor. what if we took on the task of purposefully meeting someone else's needs and showering them with the love of Christ, instead of cacooning ourselves in lent purgatory?

i've been thinking about the Lord's prayer and how it begins with praise and adoration of our Heavenly Father. it doesn't being with requests and the listing of our needs.

would lent be more effective if we approached it with renewed vigor for praising God and moving forward in love?

m.

multitude monday in pictures

2011-03-07T07:11:00.002-07:00

these past 3 weeks we were house-sitting, which is why there have been no pictures because i forgot the camera cord at home and i refuse to go back home when we are house-sitting. whenever i go back i always end up with another armload of "essentials" and be the time we come home it takes multiple car trips to get it all back and that is just silly.

i also refuse to tell people through social media that we are away because that just seems crazy. this blog is public. you never know when a robber might stumble on a post titled "vacation is going great" or "so nice to be away from the house for two weeks...we do miss our abode in insert town here though...key is under the mat".

i jest but really you never know. i read an article about the stupidest mistakes made on facebook and posting that you are on vacation is close to the top.

...i've been really rambly lately.

back to pictures.

{multitudes in pictures}

71. naps. see any family resemblance?!??! note: nose, forehead/hairline, chin, & cheeks. see she's my kid too!!

72. nuturing a love of music. this is auntie sheilagh playing for little sprite. each day we spend a little time at the piano. little sprite sits and listens. at night, when she is fussy, singing "puff the magic dragon" in her ear calms her down in an instant.

73. for the love of chubby thighs :)

74. walks. good for the soul...but only when it's not windy!

75. discovery of her tongue.

76. big blues. they melt my heart.

77. my new toms. funky and apparently vegan...whatever that means!

78. lazing around in hammocks.

79. baby feet.

80. surprisingly ironic new shirts.

quiet thursday & moving forward

2011-03-03T08:12:00.000-07:00

today is quiet. i'm still in my p.j.'s. i've have about 45 minutes until little sprite wakes up from her nap. there are about 3 billion things that i need to do before then, but all i want to do is rest in this quiet moment.

it's been cold and very windy. too windy for walks. yesterday we ventured out and it was calm, but by the time we turned around to come home to wind was pushing us backwards it was so strong. then i was just thinking about surviving and not how walking is good for my soul.

february is over. insert sigh of relief here. march seems so much more hopeful. and then comes april and my mom and sister are coming to visit. i can't even begin to describe how much i am looking forward to that.

i have a mommy confession to make. i'm bored.

please don't read that as i don't like spending time with my child. i do! so much! however, i went from working full-time and simultaneously going to school full-time to being a mom. i am not trivializing being a mom, it's hard work. but my brain is turning to mush. and i'm going a little crazy. plus, little sprite is such a good sleeper that i'm left with huge chunks of time where i could be crafting or sewing or baking, but we don't have the finances for me to take up a new hobby.

so, i'm going back to school. in may i will be knee deep in The History of the British Novel. doesn't that sound exquisite :) i was planning on going back in september, but i need to go back earlier.

it's very strange for me to be making this decision.

i always thought that once i had a baby that i would be content to focus on being a mom. i looked forward to having that primary focus. i imagined that it would be painful for me to even consider not being around my child 24/7. it's been hard for me to realize that i need something more. that to be a good mom i need to be exercising the other passions that God has given me.

have any of you journeyed down this road?of redefining who you are as a mom?

i'm excited and terrified! i've been in school, in some capacity, every year (except one) since preschool. that's over 20 years. so in some ways it's familiar, but i'm added a new variable. i'm a mom.

but my heart is drawn to that world, to the subject of geography, in ways that i can't express. God has been painting this part of my picture for a long time and it's not over. in some ways i feel like it's just beginning.

exciting & terrifying.

m.

multitude monday

2011-02-28T06:54:00.000-07:00

it's been a while.

61. sunshine. oh sunshine.
62. a errand "date", but a date nonetheless.
63. a bright pink shirt that is making me feel fresh and light.
64. getting out of the house with a friend and our babes - thank you!
65. the wonderful blessing of a husband who supports me and encourages me to follow where God has and is leading me.
66. naps.
67. giggles and smiles. they are hard to get, but that glorious grin makes it all worthwhile.
68. long saturday morning chats with sheilagh discussing theology and life...following the verbal rabbit hole. i miss those!
69. a husband who is so busy, but carves out an hour or so in the evening to hang out with me.
70. being able to walk outside in silence. leaving space for prayer and reflection.

m.

sunshine = happy

2011-02-24T10:35:00.001-07:00

it is incredibly sunny today. i've already been out for a walk with little sprite and now i'm sitting in a ray of sunshine about to dive into my journey through the Bible.

i wish i could share some photos with you, but i am sans camera cord at the moment. but ooohhh i have some cute pictures to share.

i also have a few new things in my life that i'm totally loving. some from a purely earthly point of view. and a couple that are on my mind spiritually.

toms shoes
a new purse from etsy (story to follow)
crazy love by francis chan
music: be lifted high by brian & jenn johnson
scholastic endeavors

i hoping to blurb about these in the near future.

but i need to get back to my ray of sunshine.

m.

bend

2011-02-21T06:25:00.000-07:00

on sunday's we fall into this comfortable exception to the rest of the week.

it's travis' little sprite day and my day to catch up on much needed rest, especially on days like yesterday where i was leading worship. what an incredible opportunity, but one that from the moment church ends the sunday before i'm faced with a very real battle for my heart, mind, and even my body.

so we wake early to chatter, delightful chatter and oh what could be better that being greeted with a "good morning" grin.

i nurse and then hand off little sprite to travis and i may even snuggle back beneath the covers for a few more minutes of warmth, listening to the gleeful screeches echoing through the house.

church comes and goes. we are so blessed to have many arms aching to hold little sprite. on days like this, where we are both occupied because travis and i are a worship team - me at the front and he at the back covering the technological side, we are thankful to know she'll be fast asleep in a surrogate aunt or uncle's arms.

at home travis takes over meal duty, while i fall exhausted onto the couch. i make it halfway through my meal and then succumb to the exhaustion heavy in my body.

little sprite seems to sense my fatigue and cries out for affection, maybe knowing how much i need it. on these days, instead of letting her soothe herself back to sleep i scoop her up and bring her to bed with me where we sleep side by side.

all of a sudden it's the evening. we always eat late on sunday's. when little sprite needs her evening nap travis holds her in his arms and lets her fall asleep there.

oh we love to bend the rules on sunday's.

it's quiet on sunday evenings. once little sprite is in her bed for the night we often cuddle on the couch watching something, savoring these last few moments before it's monday morning and we are back on track.

i awaken monday morning already feeling the fatigue creep back into my body. i struggle to stay awake as i nurse. little sprite plays and chatters in her bumbo while i brew coffee and warm up a delicious muffin.

we have a few moments of snuggles before a nap calls her name...

and here we are, back at the beginning of the week all over again.

thank you Jesus for sunday's.

m.

2011-02-17T11:07:00.000-07:00

it finally happened. i clipped little sprite's finger tip, instead of her fingernail. i felt so bad. poor little girl! those fingernails are just so itty bitty.

then while in the bathroom to grab a piece of toilet paper to staunch the bleeding she spit her favorite soother into the toilet. to save or not to save...i didn't save.

just a couple of the many daily adventures i encounter!

m.

:: this picture is from a couple of weeks ago. it's very surreal and special for me to see the little girl i used to nanny holding my little girl. also check out little sprite's crazy cowlick. no fringe for her! i have the exact same cowlick and i've tried so many times to have bangs, but that stinkin' bit of hair does not permit them.

wherein i talk about hair

2011-02-14T16:56:00.002-07:00

everybody is blogging about valentine's day, so i'm going to go in a completely opposite direction.

you never saw this post coming...

a funny thing happens when you are pregnant...your hair stops falling out. it has something to do with the body not releasing the "hair release" chemical, so for 9 months you just accumulate hair. for most people this probably sounds great, exciting even. i have very thick hair. by the time little sprite was born i was referring to my hair as "the mane". it was dry, thick, and unmanageable. it also turned brown. weird, i know. i had wondered if this was going to happen and it did. i probably, most likely, shed tears about this. i like my blonde hair. i've wondered what i would look like with brown hair, but for the most part i'm content with blonde. so i sadly resigned myself to making the transition to brown hair.

enter baby.

3 months later...

how am i not bald i'm losing so much hair?!?!?!? literally handfuls in the shower, when i run my fingers through my hair, when i put on sweaters, when i brush my hair, when i blow-dry it...it's a wonder we are not wading through it because seriously that's how much hair i'm losing.

then one day i'm brushing my hair and i look in the mirror and what?!?!? my hair is growing back in...lighter that it was BEFORE i got pregnant.

strange. very strange indeed.

it actually might be growing it slightly grey. frightening. i'm not sure how i feel about this, my emotions being tossed back and forth in waves of hair grief and joy.

and that's my hair story. and yes my hair does look zebra-esque.

happy valentine's day.

m.

to sew or not to sew

2011-02-09T08:32:00.000-07:00

i confess to being totally inspired by people who can sew. seriously.

i confess to wanting to learn to sew (better) SO BADLY.

i imagine myself sewing away, creating beautiful blankets and cute little skirts and shirt-dresses for little sprite. whipping up a quick baby shower gift from scratch and re-purposing sheets into curtains and bags.

i've been thinking about sewing for quite some time. i've been saving up to purchase a sewing machine. this sewing machine, which i love for its retro lines and look.

i especially think about sewing on days like this when the schools are closed and bible study is cancelled, the roads are too greasy for walking, the air is too crisp for little cheeks and noses, the car being used for carpooling, and i'm pretty much stranded inside. lately i've started to feel like my brain is turning to mush and even travis said to me the other day, "you need to get a hobby".

one day...

i've also been inspired today by this post by joanne godard on how to create a j-crew inspired messy side bun.

i think i'm going to try it and maybe i'll document my attempts. that could be comical!

m.

cross process

2011-02-07T14:53:00.001-07:00

i've had a couple questions about how i process my pictures.

now i could pretend that i'm some super genius photographer, but...nope. i use a photo processing website called picnik. you can sign up for free to use the basic filter stuff.

there are two filters that i love. 1960s and cross process.

here is my usual "technique":

1. pick up photo and upload it to picnik

2. crop
3. decrease exposure
4. apply cross process filter
and voila!

1. pick photo and upload

2. crop

3. apply 1960s filter

and voila!

i started using filters because of issues with my camera and i really like them. they spice of the pictures.